Nov 23, 2008, 1:46 am

Mood: Amused

After weeks of self-restraint, guess what I went to pick up after my exam ;)



lmc sent me pins too! They're so adorable up close!


DOKI DOKI~! >_>; yes, I am a nerd and would like to hear that sound in real life one day. ... don't judge me.


Pose! Sorry, I didn't bother getting out of my pjs =-=;!

[28 Comments]

Aug 25, 2008, 6:54 am

Mood: lucid and determined

I feel that if I don’t make a post, nothing will ever be understood about who what when where why is happening to me because I so seldom voice my thoughts through a blog. I’m not as eloquent as mara, but here goes…

I always thought my ambitions were pretty small – and still do actually - I want to live by the sea, have an international radio, go to Europe, draw a doujinshi and have an interesting job.

However, I am also Asian.
Being Asian sometimes entails having immigrant parents who wish for nothing but for their child to have a good future and who sacrifice their entire lives to make sure that that child gets there. Quite stereotypically, becoming a doctor is a road much taken to accomplish that dream.

Hahaha, so guess what I did.

The day I got my acceptance letter one year ago, I smiled only because I felt relieved that my parents were happy – that I wouldn’t have to see the disappointment on their faces.
Gnawing guilt. Insecurity. Doubt. How do you become a doctor when you can’t even say that you want it 100%. I left the unsaid things unsaid in the interview.

It sounds stupid writing it but there are two me’s. First, the one that was groomed to be a doctor. My first toy set was a doctor’s kit. When people asked what I wanted to be, I said “Doctor!” without ever really thinking where or when I’d gotten that in my head. And, oh bonus. When your parents are in business, a doctor’s salary seems especially appealing compared to the precarious living of business people. Money matters.

Secondly, there’s that me who ambiguously likes … interesting things. I find traveling interesting (hence, pilot!myvan). I also like trees, nature and peace (hence, forest ranger!myvan). However, people also intrigue me. Their reactions, the relationships they cherish, despise or simply have – but most of all, the spectrum of emotions they can display, switching from laughing and playful to intense frustration, anger and despair. Call me a voyeur, but seeing it happen before you … you want to live a life where you can see this, where you see people at their rawest, because sickness and death make people confront what matters to them. Where life matters because you have to be alive to do what you want. I can only think of two places (ignoring places ravaged by poverty and black misery for now) which people have come to regard as battlegrounds for life: the battlefield and hospitals. I’m scared to death of battlefields, so hospital it is.

It’s strange how clear things become when you’ve got a plan in your head. Doubts lessen to a buzz, because you tell yourself it doesn’t matter. Whether you deserve to be a doctor or not, whether you can’t answer whether you want to be a doctor with all your 100% right now - because you are pretty sure that in the end, you have to become one in order to know whether you want it or not. That and, yes, despite the endless hours of studying, medicine is pretty damn interesting.

So there you have it. I took advantage of the year where the marks didn’t count to do some thinking. I met new people, did new things… and now, the gears have stopped creaking and grinding in my head. I’m completely relaxed but the only way now is forward. Which is going to take a lot of hard work and focus.

That being said, I’m not going to be isolated in a magical school for talented artsy wizards with rare internet like mara, so I’m not going to be gone – I’m just going to be terribly busy and not going to be as Ochibau and Proud/Adi is general seme as much. Yargh, projects be already all planned out for the year!

That and (oh I’ve finally come to terms with this), I LOVE being a fangirl. It is perfectly acceptable to continue having a fascination for things/people/worlds that don’t exist, even if I have to focus on working in an environment that focuses on the concrete. I love the arts. I’ve always loved the arts. There needs to be people who perpetuate the art of turning the intangible into the tangible. I love drawing with all my heart, but even so, it will not be me. It may not even be all of you – but it will be some of you, I’m sure.

In the end, I figure my life will end up resembling something along the lines of some Tom Petty lyrics.

“It took a world of trouble,
it took a world of tears,
it took a long time to get back here.”

Going here, going there, moving forward and yet not ever really going anywhere.

I ARE OCHIBAU AND PROUD.
Haha, I really am! It’s been an honour of being with so many talented, ever-hard-working and relentless before the challenge of improving artistes for so long! You guys have so much drive and energy and creativity - even just watching from the sidelines is inspiring.

Merci infiniment <3
(sorry for the brick of words!)

[21 Comments]

May 03, 2007, 7:23 am

Mood:

------
weeks left till Christmas break: 1 WEEK. 1 WEEK TILL I CAN BE REUNITED WITH YOSHINAGA FUMI MY LOVE~~!!!!! (oh god. This sounds almost as bad as lmc and her Kotobuki-sensei obsession)

[122 Comments]